1.16.2013

Blah.

[Warning: Seriously Incoherent Ranting Ahead]

There have been a lot of things and people that have been stressing me out and making me feel grumpy the past few days.  I don't like this feeling, but it's persistent.  Some vindictive part of me wants to serve up a nice plate of steamy gossip for all to read, as if allowing others to devour my complaints about people would somehow make me feel better. But I know it won't. I also firmly believe if you have a problem with someone, the internet is absolutely, 100% NOT the place to address it. So... I will leave this vague paragraph at that and move on.

Since I can't and won't throw anyone else under the bus on my blog, I'll go ahead and talk about myself, and some things that have been bothering me about ME lately, because on that I can obtain consent. Here goes: 

I am a people pleaser.  I find it to be one of my strengths in that it's pretty easy for me to talk to people, listen to their problems, or try to do something to make them happy or comfortable. On the other hand, I also realize that this is a huge weakness for me for several reasons.  I constantly worry too darn much about what people think. I get stressed when someone isn't happy because of something I did or didn't do.  I over-analyze conversations, always thinking I could have said something better, funnier, smarter. I take too long to respond to texts because I want to make sure I say the exact right thing. I sometimes worry that if I don't have the same interests as another person, that makes me less of a person. Stupid, yes. But it's what I feel sometimes. I have a hard time voicing my own opinions for this reason. I often pretend I just agree with someone's opinion because I feel like it's easier, but it's actually unfair to me and to whomever I'm talking to.  In theory, I think it's awesome to have a civilized, mature, respectful conversation about differing opinions, but it's hard for me to actually do that unless I know the person really well. I wish I was better at it.

I'm constantly frustrated with myself for another dumb reason: I have this tendency to be super talkative only with guys that I'm not interested in as more than a friend. You'd think this should be fine, and that because of this I'd have countless guy friends.  The only problem is, apparently I'm horrible at my social skills and I send ALL the wrong signals, so I end up having to crush guys' hearts often (this makes me sound like a player or something. If only it were glamorous and not a result of my inept handling of social situations). They try to make a move, and I have to tell them I'm sorry I'm crazy and don't know how to send social cues, and that I misled them and I only wanted to be friends.  This is big struggle for my people-pleasingness yet again, because I hate, HATE telling people something they don't want to hear, and I also lose what I thought was a friend in the process.  And while I don't blame them at all for distancing themselves from me after putting it all on the line and getting rejected, it makes me sad. Then on the flip side, when I try to interact with the guys that I would actually be interested in dating, I turn into this bag of awkwardness. I stutter, I freak out about everything I'm going to say so nothing comes out right, and I leave a conversation feeling like an idiot... and the guy never talks to me again because he thinks I'm weird. WHICH I AM CAUSE I HAVE NO SOCIAL SKILLS WITH BOYS.  I USED TO BE SO GOOD AT FLIRTING. NOW I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE MY WORDS.

Blah, blah, blah. Okay. I'm realizing as I write this that the reason certain people and things have been making me grumpy lately is probably because I'm being too hard on myself, and reading too much into others' perceptions of me.  That cliche quote that says "you have to love yourself first" or whatever, is probably true. If I'm comfortable in my own skin, then I won't feel like I have to please everyone else in order to secure my own happiness. So, I think now is as good a time as any to work on bettering myself, and improving my relationship with myself, i.e. not being so critical of every little thing. I have many weaknesses; we all do. It's accepting those weaknesses that is the biggest challenge for me, because I just want them all to go away. If only perfection was actually attainable. I just need to keep reminding myself that it's not, and that's fine. I'm human!  I have things to work on, and I know that I actually have a lot to be proud of. Today has just been one of those days.

Annnnnnnnd that is my rant for you today. I'm feeling hesitant to post it because it's real Ashley feelings and that's pretty scary, but I'm going to anyway. I'm sure this all made no sense, but it was actually quite cathartic to get it down in writing. Thanks for bearing with me, and if you got all the way to the end, I salute you.

Over and out.

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